I'm Lost - Part One

            Here I sit on the living room chair (wish I had another one) thinking about last night.  He is in bed, hopefully falling asleep, as he’s been hung over and feeling like hell all day.  I guess the reason I’m writing this stuff down is not only to never forget it, but there really isn’t anybody to talk to about it.  May as well start at the beginning.  Yesterday was crazy.  It was the last day of the first month I’ve been here, it was Halloween, and he and his friend were supposed to go to Jackson, Mississippi and then on Tennessee, being his friend is retiring soon and wants to have some idea of future security - home, and possible employment.  Anyway, as things turned out, their trip was postponed because of trouble with his friend’s car - didn’t look like it would make the trip.  Actually, even tho it’s not a very decent thing to say or feel, I was thrilled.  See, just last week he was out in the field and now he’d be gone again.  I enjoy his company tremendously, although I know and understand there will be plenty of times we will be separated.  But, things being as they have this last year (me-alone), I made up my mind to accept this sort of thing, and never fully depend on anyone again to always be around.  That had been a severe and detrimental mistake in my married life.  Even though I wasn’t torn to pieces over his impending trip, I was awfully glad he wound up staying home.

            Later on last night we were invited up to his friend’s for champagne.  We accepted, and as is the case so very often, wound up getting inebriated.  I offered to drive home, summoning up enough courage in my delirious state, and did okay if I do say so myself, except that I nearly drove right on by the house!  Typical drunk!  (Reader note:  not to defend my actions, the friend’s house was on the same street, about 10 houses up the road, and it was late, no one was on the street.  I had never driven this El Camino before. We do rather stupid things when we are lost.)

            Anyway, once inside we consumed a pot or more coffee, and then he went on to two beers. While both of our stomachs were drowning, he came out with a marriage proposal to me.  And then insane me went and accepted!!  I’m not sure why I did, I know I love him wholeheartedly and would do anything for him, but to say yes again, well, I never thought I would.   At least not in this lifetime. We exchanged words, of which neither of us can exactly recall, although I later found out that apparently I was cutting myself down, and then he did something totally unexpected and took it all back and swallowed his words!

            I was at that time and still am, pretty flabbergasted, and highly insulted.  My feelings are quite mixed.  I think it was a terribly cruel thing to do, and unnecessary.  It just should never have been brought up if the true feelings were momentarily spontaneous.  Marriage is a sharing of everything possible, not something to propose with unintentional motives.  It keeps bringing back all the times I told my ex not to go around screwing up anymore heads, to learn how to communicate and be honest.

            I feel very cheated.  I feel totally stupid for saying yes.  Actually, I’m so disgusted by it; any hurt was replaced with reality, that I couldn’t even cry.  Actually, it’s pretty funny.  I was taken for a ride again.  A short one, maybe, but nonetheless, I was the fool again last night.  I think I have some idea as to how my future will be -- full of mistrust and skepticism.  What man is really that sincere?  At this point, 18 hours later, I’m relieved.  I’ve opened my eyes again to all the ridiculous nonsense there is in life. 

            I don’t think I’d ever believe him again if it came up once more.  It’s his mistake; he’ll have to worry about it.  I guess I suffered enough to remember all the bitter feelings I’ve developed in my heart.  Maybe that’s why no man, not even him (especially now) will ever break me again.  I believe in love, and I believe in honor.  I just don’t believe that that’s all there is.  Belief is the whole thing in any relationship, and all my faith has been broken before.  I’m still here, only I’m more strong now, I’m okay, and I know I can still survive.  I have me, and I’ll take care of myself the way I should, the way no man, (deceitful creatures) ever could. 

            I feel better now that it’s out of my system and think I can finally rest enough to face another day, filled with..…?  God only knows!

            Lesson - another drunken stupor and another mistake!  Kill the bottle and the bottle will return the favor somehow, someway, someday!

(Saturday, 1 November 1980)

My goodness, my life was such a mess almost 31 years ago!   I was in search of the ever elusive ‘butterfly of love!’  I was sick and tired of all the hurt and pain I had gone through in the first 24 years of my life, and desperately wanted someone to rescue me.  There had to be someone, somewhere, that would let me be me.  Someone who loved me more than anything else in the entire world, that without me they would surely die.  Someone who would listen!  Just listen, let me cry my frustrations at a bad day into their shoulder and receive comfort and understanding.  I was so tired and desperate to be in control of my own life, yet needing someone else to place my burdens on. 

I felt like no matter how hard I tried for years after this time, that despite explaining exactly what he was supposed to do (yes, we married), he just didn’t get it.  Time after time he failed to grasp what his role in my life was to be - caretaker of my ego, of my esteem, and of my emotions.  He was supposed to know everything about me, I certainly told him enough!  Why couldn’t he get it?  What was wrong with him anyway, was he deaf or just not interested?  Why did he want to marry me if he wasn’t willing to protect me against those feelings of dread and doom that walked beside me like a twin?  How could he be so blind to not see into my heart and want more than anything to heal the pain instead of causing me constant hurt with his lack of understanding or concern?  Men!  All men were useless to me.  I was determined that I would have to take care of my own life, that I would from then on be in charge of all the things that impacted my life.  Even if I had to change the lives of those around me to do it.

©dft

Proverb 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart.”  

All of it, for everything, withhold nothing!  Believe He will fix all my problems.  Believe He has a plan for me.  Believe He has my best interest at heart.  Know He will never forsake me or let down.  Know He hears my every prayer!

“And lean not on your own understanding.”

What do I know that is more knowledgeable than God?  What do I understand?  I seek wisdom, yes, but I am not wisdom, that is God’s!  So I don’t know what is to be.  Every situation is different.  My understanding of things is very limited by what I have learned and done.  God’s is without limits!

“In all your ways acknowledge Him.”

In everything I do.  In everything I dream.  In how I breathe.  Remember He controls my life, not me.  He can stop my heart.  He can cure my ails.  Everything I do should be with Him in mind – ask permission and blessing always.  Before, during, and after things I do.  Do it all for His sake, and for His glory!  Acknowledge my life shows He is with(in) me.  I don’t control anyone’s destiny, He does.  I am not more powerful nor capable than my God.

I must emulate His sweetness, His kindness, His devotion to the Father.  His trustworthiness.

“And He will direct your paths.”

He will lead my every step.  He will guide me.  He will bring me where I need to be.  He will take care of me.

I must take comfort in this passage.  It is a backbone Word.  One that gives strength and comfort to me.  It lays out exactly what I need to do, and shows me the results of my walk with God.  He shall direct my paths!

Oh God, how I love You!  Thank You for Your promises.  Thank You for Your Word!  Every day I grow a little more in Your Ways.  Thank You, Father, for being patient and kind to me!

  Amen.

Psalm 31 in My Words

While reading Luke 23:46, the footnote in my Bible directed me to see Psalm 31:5.  I read the entire Psalm, and it is beautiful.  Apparently it is a prayer of confidence taught to Jewish children.  Some of the most beautiful verses follow.  My immediate thought is italicized.  I don’t recall why I didn’t include verses 9-13.

1      “In You, O Lord, I put my trust;  for You alone are truth

        Let me never be ashamed;  You have placed me here, I trust You

        Deliver me in Your righteousness.  Again, and again, and again

2     Bow down Your ear to me,  Please, Lord, hear my prayer

        Deliver me speedily;  I can’t wait to start fresh and try again!

        Be my rock of refuge,  Always a place for me to lean

        A fortress of defense to save me.  Hide me in Your love

3     For You are my Rock and Fortress  On You I will stand

        Therefore, for Your name’s sake,  Because You love me

        Lead me and guide me.  I cannot do it by myself

4     Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me  I stumbled, help me up

        For You are my strength  I can rely on You

5      Into Your hand I commit my spirit;  Because it is safe there

        You have redeemed me, O Lord  I am saved

        God of truth  As You said

6     I have hated those who regard useless idols;  They won’t listen

        But I trust in the Lord.  Because he is faithful

7      I will be glad and rejoice in Your mercy,  I am undeserving

        For You have considered my trouble;  Thank You for helping me

        You have known my soul in adversities,   And still You love me

8     And have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy;  You have forgiven me again and again

        You have set my feet in a wide place.”  Where I am stable

14    “But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord;  Because You are true to Your word

        I say “You are my God.”  And I get overwhelmed with joy

15    My times are in Your hand;  O thank You, God!

        Deliver me from the hand of my enemies.  I know You will

        And from those who persecute me.  They don’t know You

16    Make Your face shine upon Your servant;  Let me feel You

        Save me for Your mercies’ sake.  So I many touch You, O God

17    Do not let me be ashamed, O Lord  For I am trying

        For I have called upon You;  I know You will teach me

        Let the wicked be ashamed;  Because they don’t love You

        Let them be silent in the grave.  They had so many chances

18   Let the lying lips be put to silence, They followed the devil

        Which speak insolent things proudly  They don’t seek You, O Lord

        And contemptuously against the righteous.  They are lost

19    Oh, how great is Your goodness,  It is never ending

        Which You have laid up for those who fear You,   I am so proud to serve You

        Which You have prepared for those who trust in You.  I give my life to You, Jesus

        In the presence of the sons of men.  Openly without shame

20   You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence.  Protect me, guide me, love me

        From the plots of man;  Those who don’t know You, don’t know me

        You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion  Where I can feel safe

        From the strife of tongues.  It doesn’t matter what they say

21    Blessed be the Lord,  For He is mighty

        For He has shown me his marvelous 

        Kindness in a strong city!”  And I am overwhelmed with awe

23   “Oh, Love the Lord, all you His saints!  He is so easy to love

        For the Lord preserves the faithful,   and I am one of His

        And fully repays the proud person.  Watch your attitude!

24   Be of good courage,   I am with you!

        And He shall strengthen your heart,  Day after day, just let Him!

        All you who hope in the Lord.”  Thank You, God!

Have a very blessed day, dear reader.  God loves you!  Those are my thoughts, what are yours?  Please comment.

© dft

What A Week It’s Been - The Fire Part 2

It’s amazing.  The only thing that I had with me that day except for the clothes on my back was my journal, my discussions with Jesus.  Did I even really need anything more?  My laptop and all my notes and all the files for my book were in the house.  But I had my journal, so I was okay.  I could read again and again all the times in the past 6 months that I have been told,” trust Me”.  In so many areas of my life where I try to do things my way, God kept telling me that.  Let me tell you, dear reader, trust is really difficult for me, but that is for another blog.

Anyway, as we approached the area where earlier I had been turned back, there was no longer any police cars blocking entry to my neighborhood.  Everything seemed to be fine.  There was a command post set up at one of the ranches with a fire truck and local hospital mobile clinic, and some water trucks and pickups.  The local news people were all set up filming the 500 acres of burnt land that used to be part of a huge lake, but now resembles more of a very big puddle.  I don’t know how far the fire would have traveled if there had been water there instead of grass.

Earlier, when I knew I couldn’t get to the house I called my neighbor who was still at home and asked if he would be so kind as to go inside my house and grab my laptop.  He graciously obliged, so I stopped by his home to retrieve it.  Isn't it amazing how much we store on our computers?  All those wonderful pictures, funny emails, new books in the making, and Mahjong for those times of boredom when nothing else draws our interest.

We had a small dinner and took care of a few phone calls and went to sleep.  Every morning we get up early and spend time with God.  We went for a walk that morning and prayed as we walked.  When we rounded the corner we saw the sky all lit up and knew it wasn’t the sunrise.  That was the first time we could smell it, that meant the wind was blowing different.  We got in the truck and went up the street to get a better view. 

I don’t know how far off it was, it’s hard to tell when it’s dark out.  But the flames were taking out trees, burning brightly and consuming all in their path.  We could see the lights on fire trucks spinning around in the distance.  We went home and decided over breakfast that we would pack the car and truck with what we needed or wanted most in preparation for the worst.  But just how do you choose?  If I had been told that I only had 10 minutes to get what I needed, it might have been easier. 

It was going to be 104 that day, and a cold front was coming the next day! After this it would only be in the 90s. But the worry was that the winds would change and come from the north, possibly causing hotspots to reignite and flames to blow in our direction. For now not one house was touched, thank you Father, but that could all change. Yet we both had a peace about us. It was alright, God was in charge, and we trusted Him.

We found our suitcases, which have sat in the attic unused since 2006 and brought them down.  There were certain things that I knew we needed to take, and those things were packed first.  There were prescriptions, makeup, toiletries, hot curlers and curling irons in one bag, old books in another, files in a box, computers on the back seat, bibles in a carry bag, and jewelry in another.  I took my paintings and favorite pictures off the wall and wrapped them in blankets to protect them.  I took my daughter’s first rubber doll, it was from my dad, and had 1956 stamped on the back, the year I was born.  It is the one she pointed to and said her first word, “dolly,” when my mother held it up and asked her, “what is this?”  I remembered how terrifically proud my mother was that day.  I smiled and continued through the house.

What do you take?  The check books and the registers, all of them.  The spare keys to the house and car.  The meds, the safe, guns and ammo if you have them.  (If firefighters hear ammunition going off in your burning home, they will let it burn and concentrate on the land and containment instead.  No need to get shot putting out a fire.)  The right clothes and shoes, your pillow (don’t forget that), all the phone chargers, all the change in all the jars, the stamps, oh, and for me, my mother’s high chair and my father’s hat.  I was packed and ready; we prayed and went to work. 

We were not required to evacuate at that time, but there was nothing we could do at home, and plenty we could do at work.  By the time we left we had heard that the fire was once again contained with no damage to any structures.

(More later)

What a Week It's Been! - Part 1 - The Fire

You may be asking, "Well Deirdre, where in the world have you been all week?"  Well, it has been a busy week, and I am so sorry that I have been gone.  As you must pretty much know, dear reader, Texas has been in a terrible drought for most of the year.  We are so far below on the average rainfall (I remember rain from when I was younger), and there isn't any real relief in sight.

On top of the lack of rain (by the way, my Christmas tree is STILL in my driveway in the burn pile from December!), we have had a very hot summer.  I believe I heard that we had 87 days over 100 degrees this year, which is unusual.  What's even more unusual is that the temps were way up there, like 109 and 111.  For a little while I thought I was in Phoenix, but there were no Saguaro Cacti, so I was all confused.  Turned out it was just the heat (get it?).  Bad joke, I know.  In any event, it doesn't really matter if it is 102 or 106, who can really tell the difference?  All I know is that I got a great tan just standing outside talking on the phone for 5 minutes at a time!  Seriously!

The lack of rain mixed with the hot summer has been the perfect formula for wildfires.   Bastrop, Texas, about 35 miles southeast of Austin suffered major losses to over 1400 homes and thousands of acres of land.  Our church, as well as churches all over the area (and the state, I would think) have had drives to get necessities to the residents.  Wildfires were popping up all over the state, and every county but four have had burn bans enacted.

Last Tuesday as I was coming home from enjoying lunch with a good friend, I noticed this huge fire off in the distance.  As I got closer I saw that it was in the direction of where I live.  Then I came upon the Texas State Troopers who had closed the road about 5 miles from my home and were turning people around.  I went to speak to them and they said "Sorry, can't let you through." 

What a helpless feeling comes over you when someone in authority says that.  "But I live there!"  "Sorry, ma'am."  So I turned around and headed for our Church.  I knew there were Pastors there that would pray with my husband and I.  He left work and met me there.  On the way, I 'lost it' for a few minutes when I called my beautiful daughter and told her to get everyone in the office together and pray that the firemen are protected (it was 109 that day), that the people who had pets would be spared losing them, that the residents would be okay, and that the fire would not damage any one's home.  After the initial fear and dread of the unknown, I settled back into a peaceful state. 

Our beloved dog, Rehab, went to be with our other pets in heaven in April, so at least I didn't have that awful thought to consume me.  That would have been unbearable knowing I had a pet in my house if it were on fire!  And I didn't know how close the fire was.  When I called the county police they mentioned the next street over.  Then I heard God say, "Trust Me," and I knew I had to. I knew that I would be alright.  I had just posted a blog about new beginnings two days earlier.  I felt like this, if I lose everything, I had my journal with me, and it would be a new beginning, just like this book and this website, and all the wonderful things that are happening in my life.  I knew that I may lose everything, but I felt very secure in knowing that God had something even better for me to replace those things with.  I had peace.  That was enough to get over the fear of the unknown. 

At the church, our Associate Pastor and his wife, my dear friend, prayed for us and the neighborhood and the firefighters.  We could see the smoke from outside our church, which is almost 16 miles away.  After a few hours we thought we'd try to get home again.  We would show our driver's licenses to the police and explain we needed to get prescriptions and necessities, and would leave if we had to. 

(I will continue with Part 2 very soon!  Stay tuned!)