It's Father's Day!

     

 Dad and I 1957.                                                                                   1958

To all of you Dads out there, Happy Father's Day!  I hope that you are enjoying today and the honor that it brings.

Today I would like to honor my own father, who sadly isn't with us anymore.  My father was born to poor Irish immigrants who boarded a ship to America in 1913 shortly after getting married in Dublin.  He was the sixth of seven children.

One day on his way home from school he heard he paperboys shout, "Extra! Extra!  Read all about it!  Lindbergh kidnapping ladder found in Bronx!"  Eight year old Patrick Doyle ran the several blocks to 222nd Street and was awestruck by the clamor going on.  Police and reporters were everywhere, all consumed with the biggest news of the year.  The Crime of the Century had recently happened, when Col Charles Lindbergh's 18 month old son was kidnapped from their farm near Princeton, NJ., and now the police had found the ladder used to commit the awful crime in the garage of one Bruno Hauptmann.

Young Patrick was smitten with the reporters, all wearing fedoras with their press badges in the ribbon above the brim.  They were shouting and writing in shorthand all the details the police chief passed on to them.  Then off they ran to pay phones to call the details in to their respective newspapers - Hurst, Daily News, NY Times, The World, The Mirror, The Star, The Herald, and papers from New Jersey, Connecticut and Pennsylvania. 

That was the day that little boy decided that he wanted to be a crime reporter someday and cover the biggest stories in the city.  He saved money to buy a typewriter from a pawn shop and started out making a newsletter for the neighborhood merchants, being paid with groceries.  Once he had a taste of the experience, there was no going back.  He was hired by the NY Daily News in 1947 at 23 years old.  From his first story about an abandoned baby to solving a murder, to airplane crashes, a policeman shot and dying in his arms, to Son of Sam to John Lennon's murder, he reported over 20,000 murders in his career.  He was called Inspector Doyle. Robin Moore, a good friend, used his name in The French Connection.  He was touted as The World's Greatest Crime Reporter, and won numerous awards in his career.  He was even in the 1981 Guinness Book of World Records for covering the most murders.  He knew five presidents, and had an especially nice relationship with Richard Nixon.  His friends were James Cagney, Henry Ford II, Aristotle Onassis, and hundreds of others.

Dad at work, 1947                                                                   With VP Richard Nixon, 1956

But to me, he was my Daddy.  He was 5'11, thin and had striking green eyes.  When he wasn't sitting in front of a typewriter on the living room coffee table, pounding the keys, he was out doing the weekly grocery shopping.  On Saturday nights he and my Mother would get all dressed up and head into the city sometime after 11pm.  He was a handsome man, and I was so very proud of him. When he almost died because of ruptured stomach ulcers and spent 10 weeks in Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in Manhattan, I myself cried a million tears and said thousands of prayers.  How could we not have Daddy anymore?  He survived several surgeries, and thank God, he came home.  I was just a child, and loved him more than I can write.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ Boat Basin 1963                                             Dad and I, 1972

As I grew up I understood his concern for our welfare.  Plenty of times it was an annoyance answering the questions every time I wanted to go somewhere (where are you going, who are you going with, when are you coming home, how are you getting there) but he covered crime six nights a week and loved us tremendously and I believe it would have killed him if anything had happened to any one of us.  I didn't always see it that way growing up, but being a parent I grew to see the sacrifices he made being the sole breadwinner for a family of seven. 

My Dad died in a one-car accident on the last day of his job at NBC.  He was going to be moving down to Austin, Texas where he had bought a beautiful home and my mother was waiting for him.  He was only 62 years old when a seizure took his life.  His funeral was beautiful.  It was Veterans Day 1987, and the New York City Police Chief asked my Mother if she would like policemen for pall bearers.  She was thrilled knowing how much the police meant to him.  The hearse came up from the west side of Manhattan that chilly November 11th, passing through traffic lights all the way to Fifth Avenue where we circled around St. Patrick's Cathedral and came to a stop out front.  The steps of the church were lined with policemen from different precincts in their dress blues, and once his flag-covered casket was removed from the hearse by six policemen, they all stood at attention and saluted.  It was the most overwhelming moment in my life, one only surpassed by the birth of my daughter.

My favorite memory of him was him holding me while we sleigh rode down a hill in upstate NY in a cardboard box when I was about four years old. 

I was so proud of him!  He would speak to the students in my all-girl high school, and he would take me to Madison Square Garden and Broadway, and Yankee games.  He worked hard on our house, nurturing gardens that brought him peace, away from the crime-ridden streets of lower New York.  He was my hero.  It is him on the cover of my first book, A Christmas I Remember.  The story is, in a way, a tribute to him. 

    

I miss my Dad, but I know that he is with the Lord.  He was a good man, a hard working man, a man who loved and revered God, and loved us all tremendously.  He was crazy about my mother and would show her off every chance he got.  Thank You, God, for the 31 years I had with him.  Please kiss him for me.

Click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL9DjN6OSSI

My First Radio Interview on 28 November 2011

Last night I had the honor and pleasure to be a guest on the Barry Farber Show, which can be found at http://crntalk.com/barryfarber.  Barry Farber is a radio icon, well known in the industry for over 50 years.  He is also a columnist for World Net Daily, and an author.  He was a very good friend of my father, Pat Doyle, the legendary NY Daily News Crime Reporter, aka Inspector Doyle, and The World's Greatest Crime Reporter. 

Last night we spoke about my father, who is the man on the cover of my book, A Christmas I Remember.  It was wonderful sharing stories between us.  My father passed away 24 years ago this month, and I still miss him.  I told Mr Farber that one day I would like to give a scholarship in Pat Doyle's name to my local high school. 

You  will still be able to buy hard cover and Color Me coloring books at http://deirdretolhurst.com/, but only for another few weeks.  Christmas is only 25 days away, so you'd better order soon!  The paperback edition will still be on sale at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Christianbooksbibles.com and many other places for varying prices.  Just google my name or the name of the book and it will come up.

Well, dear Reader, God bless you and keep you, and make your load light! Click the link below to hear the interview and comment.

My Interview on the Barry Farber Show

The Parable of the Lost Son

Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons.  The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

“Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs.  He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!  I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’  So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.  So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.  ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.  But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.  But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”   Luke 15:11-32

Which are you?  Are you the young son who decided that he needed to find himself and went looking in distant lands for fruits of his flesh not caring who he hurt?  Did you find yourself at hell’s door?  Did you turn your back on your Father?

Or are you the father, who is so overjoyed that his young son has returned in repentance, truly sorry for what he has done, and humbled by the experience?  Are you willing to put aside all the pain you suffered not knowing where he was or even more so, how he was?

Or are you the older brother?  Upset that he is welcomed back even though he messed up so badly, and not willing to forgive as easily as the Father who loves beyond understanding?  Are you jealous because you don’t get recognized when you always follow the rules, but someone who broke them all gets a party?

I believe there are times in my life (and probably will be more) that I have been in each place.  I have gone off on my own, following the desires of my flesh, against all better judgment, just to get into such a mess that I didn’t have the nerve or courage to come home.  I didn’t know what they would think of me, a miserable failure.  So I kept waiting until it was either do or die.  God, the Father, prevailed.  Even when I wasn’t saved, He took my hand and welcomed me home.  He forgave me when I didn’t deserve it.

I have been the father, forgiving and loving even when it wasn’t asked for.  I have found in myself that agape love that Jesus had for His own, and even for His enemies.  He loved them all as He loved Himself.  I feel rewarded and clean when I forgive.  The starting over is just such a glorious feeling!

I have also been the older brother, jealous and miserable because I was not recognized for doing good things all the time and yet watching while someone else who completely messed up gets rewarded!  This is because I didn’t understand that I didn’t need any special attention, I was doing what I was supposed to do.  But the young son realized the error of his ways and came back humbled, ready to become as a servant to his father.  He was ready to repent for his stupidity and sins.  He didn’t come back because he was hungry; he came back because he was sorry.  And his father was overjoyed and got him all cleaned up and threw a party for his return!

Shouldn’t we all be like that?  Not afraid to come home in humility, knowing that we are doing what is right, and what God placed in our heart?  Shouldn’t we bless and sing and celebrate when a lost one has been found?  Shouldn’t we be joyful when their heart has been made pure and they return?  Shouldn’t we put aside the condemnation and instead rejoice to the Lord for bringing them safely back?

For some of us, it is time to forgive.  For others, it is time to forget.  Don’t let the past rule the future.  Remember what Psalm 118:24 says, “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!” (Emphasis mine)  So let us take today, and rejoice that we are alive and that the Lord saw fit to give us breath for another day!  Let us realize that when our prayers are answered, like the Father, we must not bring up the pain we went through or the wrong that was done to us; instead, let us see that our prayers have been answered and we are blessed to start anew! 

Ah, there’s something else!  How many of us have prayed so hard for our loved ones to return and then when our prayer was answered, complain?  Have we condemned them for leaving instead of rejoicing that they returned?  Are we truly acting as the father, who didn’t even let the young son finish apologizing before he embraced him?  He had already forgiven him.  The parable doesn’t say, but I imagine in his bitterness the older brother who, even though prayer is answered, immediately starts in with talk like, “What were you thinking?  Do you know how worried we were?  What makes you so special?  I had to do all the work, you owe me!”  

We need to not just forgive, but we need to forget.  As the young son, forget that we made stupid mistakes.  We shouldn’t live in the past and feel we aren’t worthy of coming home in humility.  If we truly are sorry, our actions will prove it.  As the father, we don’t need to do anything but love the son who returned.  Use God’s wisdom to carry you through the enemy’s lies and forgive with every ounce of our being.  Of course we were hurt, but what is more important?  Is it our pain at them leaving or our joy at their returning?  We should thank God that they are back in the fold.  The older brother needs to get over himself and be grateful that his younger brother is alive and well and willing to start over again.

God bless you, Dear Reader, and if you are struggling with forgiveness, allow God to help you.  Whether you are the young son, the father, or the older son, God is with you always.  He sees you, He will reward you!  Please share your thoughts.

©dft

The Book is Released!

Today my book was released on the Internet!!!  Amazon is now carrying it, Barnes and Noble is carrying it, and if you google my name or A Christmas I Remember, you'd be amazed at all the places it is for sale!  Amazon has it in the UK, Canada, Netherlands, Japan, Russia, Germany, and of course right here in the great USA.  This is just the most amazing thing to me.  When God wants something done, He goes right ahead and does it.

He has gone before me all the way on this.  I believe that God plants desires into our hearts so that we can tend to them and let them grow.  Like seeds.  We don't usually recognize this though.  Sometimes we let our dreams die, as I did, many years ago.  But once that feeling came back, all I wanted to do was write!  I believe that we don't even know that sometimes we are living that dream unaware.  I was certainly writing, but it wasn't in a book format or anything like that.  I just wrote about things God was showing me; just simple things mostly, but they were profound nonetheless.  I wanted to write a book of encouraging things, things that I learned. 

But the Lord had other plans.  He had this book in mind.  He had Blessed Beginnings, my business name in mind.  So out of nowhere here comes this beautiful little Christmas book!  And although it has been for sale on my Website (www.deirdretolhurst.com) and at my publisher (www.tatepublishing.com), now it can also be found on the Web!  I truly hope that we sell at a minimum hundred of thousands of copies, so that God will get the glory that He deserves.  He has a plan for this book, He wants to reach the children and He has chosen me to help Him do that.  This is an honor and a blessing that I never expected! 

If you have a dream, pursue it.  I am 55 years old, and am only getting started.  What does it say in Job 8:7?  "Though your beginning was small, yet your latter end would increase abundantly."  And Jeremiah 29:11?  "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."  I have peace, this is His book, more than it's mine.  I am just the instrument He used to get the story out there.  I have a future and a hope.  I am resting in the bosom of my God!  Praise to Him!

So what is your dream?  Have you pursued it?  Please share your comments.  God bless you!

The Steward

Note:  I wrote this in the mid-summer.

God wanted to get my attention today.  I wanted to sit on the back porch and spend time speaking with Him by journaling before it got too hot to do so.  You see, this is a La Nina year, and so the winter was cold – much colder than usual, and lasted longer than expected.  Spring seemed about 6 hours worth of comfortable temperatures, and then BAM!  Summer was here!  We started getting 100° temperatures in mid-May, and they didn’t plan on leaving.

Rain is a distant memory; I was much younger the last time it rained!  We haven’t had to mow much, and millions of Texas acres have succumbed to wildfires.  I am seeing emaciated horses and cattle on my way to work.  Lord, even though this IS Texas, we need rain!

So I thought I’d spend my morning time with the Lord on the back porch before it got too hot.  I had just gotten comfy with my coffee and journal, and hummingbird flew by, looked at me, and flew away.  That’s when God spoke, “Daughter, take care of the birds!”  I hadn’t even put up the hummingbird feeders this year, so to the shed I went, found four feeders and some food, and washed the feeders, filled them and hung them on the front porch and in the backyard.  I was ready to sit down and write, and again the Lord spoke to my heart, “Daughter, put water out for the deer.”

Well we have so many deer where we live that they have done thousands of dollars worth of destruction to our shrubbery and lawn.  I had to dig up all my bushes that were around the front of the house because the deer have eaten every last leaf, and when new buds begin to grow, they nibble them away too.  Over the last three years, the deer population has at least doubled, each doe having twins or triplets.  I didn’t really want to give them water, that will only keep them on my lawn, but I knew I’d better obey. 

While filling the bird bath and trough that we had let go dry, God reminded me that He loves all His creatures, great and small.  He loves us the most, of course, and made us stewards of His earth.  He let me know I should put out water for the animals so they wouldn’t die.  Then He nudged me to think about the bunny rabbits.  They, of course are too small to reach the birdbath or trough, so I found some large planter bottoms and filled them.

On the way back inside, I saw the stripped ear of corn on the little squirrel stand, so I put a new piece on there and tossed some kernels around and put water there too.  When my husband comes home I’ll ask him to fill the bird feeders, because I am not too sure how they work.  We bought these great ones that are supposed to frustrate the squirrels, and they are so high tech they frustrate me too.

I knew God was smiling as I walked back to the porch and my coffee.  So I sat back down and waited a few minutes before picking up my pen, just to be sure I was done, and wouldn’t you know, along came the hummingbird to drink.  Mission accomplished!

I spent time with God in a different way than I had intended, but feel just as filled with His Holy Spirit, and I know His creatures are being cared for.

“And the Lord said, “Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his master will make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of food in due season?  Blessed is that servant whom his master will find doing so when he comes.  Truly, I say to you, that he will make him ruler over all that he has.”  Luke 12:42-44 NKJ

©dft

Are you a good steward?

Book Signings!!

Alrighty!  Here I am on Wednesday evening (12 Oct 11) in the lobby of my church.  That is the first poster made for a book signing!  I am so excited you just wouldn't believe it!  This little book is bringing a lot of joy to so many people already.  You all know the story about how hard it was for me to wait for Santa to arrive with this big snow storm going on and then my Dad starts shoveling the snow, and how I worried that Santa couldn't come with my Dad not only still awake, but still outside working!  But the story has a message.  It is a 'feel good' kind of message.  God is so awesome, and the way He has orchestrated this book still makes me smile in amazement. 

It's funny, people now look at me a little differently because I am "a real live author!"  I know I have changed a little, I really had no choice.  You see, when God works in us, He does it His way.  "The right words will be there.  The Holy Spirit will give you the right words when the time comes."  Luke 12:12 Msg.  He brought back my desire to write and then gave me an assignment, this book.  I had to learn patience first, because I had no idea what I would write for Kindra.  Then I had to have faith that I would come up with something that she would like.  Then I had to have patience again.  Then I needed to keep away from pride.  Then I had to learn to trust (I am a perpetual student of that class!). 

I have enjoyed all the process of this book coming to life. The illustrator at Tate Publishing did a remarkable job of the illustrations from pictures I sent him.  The graphic designer put it all together so nicely.  The editor was great.  Then it came time to actually produce the book.  Oh my goodness, that was so exciting!  To hold in my hand the final proof (which is the book as it looks now, but I had to double check everything and send it back with my okay), was really amazing.  It was real!  Oh, how I hated to send that back!

Then I found out that because I am not a celebrity or an author with a recognized name, the chances of it being found on bookshelves all around the world like I thought were a pipe dream.  For now.  That will change, I'm sure of it.  Anyway, I found out that I would have to do a great deal of marketing.  I was totally unprepared for that!  So I got this web page, and I have a Facebook fan page, and of course there is email (thank goodness for that).  But that wasn't enough.

I have to do signings and readings wherever and whenever I can.  You see, time is very limited.  First off, the book will be released on 1 November to Amazon and I think the local bookstores.  I have ordered more books three times since the beginning of September to sell them on my own.  I have to be prepared to market my book.  Normally, boldness to do something like that is not in my nature.  But God is answering prayer as He always does and making it easier for me all the time.  I don't know when or where my first signing will be, there are still two weekends before the church signing, and I am trying for as many as possible!  That first one will be where I learn how to relax. 

The nice thing is that God had me write a Christmas book and not a book on a dinosaur named Dave.  That kind of book could sell anytime, all year long. This one sells big for this time of year only.  So after all the hectic running around for 2 months, it will be over and I will take a nap.  People like Christmas books, especially for children, so I am carrying one with me all the time and putting it on the table when I am out to eat, doing whatever will draw attention.  If it weren't so awkward, I would wear it like a lanyard!  That would certainly get people's attention!  I could get T-shirts, but I think that's a little much for me.

People don't have any idea how hard it is to market a book.  I had to become a business (Blessed Beginnings) because I have to collect sales tax.  Some people think that I am going through all this talking to attorneys and banks, and carrying books in my car because of my publisher not doing enough.  That's not the case at all.  If you are going to sell something you'd better get the tax for the great state you live in.  I had no idea that I would have to start a business because I wrote a book. Like I said, I just thought they'd stock it in bookstores and people would buy it.

But it has it's advantages.  I am learning things about business, making new friends and connections, and trusting much more in God.  I believe that my book will sell exceedingly well and it will break records.  Why shouldn't it, after all, it is blessed by God!

Have a beautiful day today, try and spend some quality time in His glorious presence, and please feel free to purchase a book or two. They really are cute.  The shopping cart page is  expected to be up and running in a day or two, so please come back!  Thanks again for visiting, and feel free to leave a comment.

©dft

I'm Found - Part Three of I'm Lost

All week long I couldn’t wait for Sunday.  I just had to go back.  I knew I had to go up at the altar call, and that nothing was going to stop me!  Finally, Sunday came.  You know, I wanted everything that God had to give me so badly that I hardly heard a word our Pastor said!  I just wanted the end to come so I could raise my hand!  When he did an altar call that day, Flag Day (June 14) 1987, I think I hurt myself putting my arm up so fast and high!  I went up front and was escorted into a little room and a very nice older person in our congregation welcomed me to the Kingdom and asked me if I would like to be baptized in the Holy Spirit?  I wasn’t sure what that was, but yes, yes, please, anything that had to do with God, I want it all!!!  So I said another very easy prayer and began speaking in the Spirit.  My life has never been the same.  I cried and cried, the feeling in my depths of my very being was overwhelming.  I was experiencing joy for the first time.  There is a big difference between happiness and joy, let me tell you that!

Unfortunately we came and went to church, never attending another church, but we weren’t consistent in our walk.  Our daughter went to day care there, and then 6-8^th grades, and then was married there.  We made sure we tithed every week, but we didn’t always attend.  That is my misfortune.

 About four years ago we went back after a long hiatus.   There was a very strong need for me to do that.  We hadn’t been there but a handful of times in about seven years.  I needed to go.  On September 11^th, 2001, I wanted nothing more than to go to my church and feel God’s presence through the congregation, but I fell for a lie from Hell that I would be condemned for not being there all that time. 

We were only back for a few weeks when they announced that they were having water baptisms in February.  I guess it was the Holy Spirit rising up in me, and telling me to get baptized!  So we signed up and did just that.  My life started changing almost immediately.  I never knew how important being baptized was, but it is.  Matt 3:13-15 says, “Then Jesus came from Galilee to John at the Jordan to be baptized by him. And John tried to prevent Him, saying, “I need to be baptized by You, and are You coming to me?”  But Jesus answered and said to him, “Permit it to be so now, for thus it is fitting for us to fulfill all righteousness.” Then he allowed Him.”

All of a sudden one day I noticed that I wasn’t cussing anymore.  I had a heck of dirty mouth my whole life, and it just stopped, I guess.  It took me a while to notice it, but it was definitely gone.  I started to have a craving, an insatiable desire to know God and who He is.  I started not just reading the Bible, but I bought the Bible in different versions, and have a Jack Hayford Spirit-Filled Study Bible (it’s actually my favorite).  I gave up watching TV, and instead started listening to Joyce Meyer on CD.

Our church (thankfully) has many different classes and groups to offer.  My husband and I have gone to several marriage classes and seminars.  I devoured the learning.  We enrolled in the International School of Ministry class, which was twice a week for about 16 months.  Wow!  What an amazing course!  I learned so much, probably more than I ever could on my own.  We then took the ‘advanced’ course, the Ministry Module. 

I am still overwhelmed with a desire to please Jesus and our Father.  I am trying to hear the Holy Spirit at all times (you know, that little voice that says, don’t get upset, it’ll be okay, just keep quiet).  I am not always successful in ignoring my flesh but I try.  Every day I try.  

I know that my life is different now, in many ways.  I know that I have changed, and I welcome the changes.  I have a new feeling of hope in my life.  I know I have a purpose now.  I am no longer ‘lost.’  That is a great feeling!  I now know the peace of God’s embrace.  I know that I am not alone.  The most important thing is that I am finally relinquishing my need to be in control of everything and everyone.  It is a slow process, mainly because God is teaching me things that need to stay with me.  As I make a mistake He doesn’t condemn me, instead He shows me a better way.  He is constantly telling me, “Trust Me!”  I am learning to do that.  I will write something about trust soon.  It is very important in our walk.  In the meantime, have a blessed day and peaceful sleep.  God bless you!

©dft

I'm Found - Part Two of I'm Lost

Yes, I was determined that I had to take care of my own life, and that I would from then on be in charge of all the things that impacted my life.  Even if I had to change the lives of those around me to do it. (End of Part One)

And that’s exactly what I set out to do.  I had to have control of things.  I could no longer stand to be misunderstood or taken for granted!  I was verbally abusive in my desperation for attention.  It didn’t matter what kind of attention I commanded, if it were out of fear, all the better.  For once in my life I was in charge.  I had suffered being abused emotionally for as long as I could remember.  Now I was old enough and strong enough to take care of myself.  Watch out, here I come!

You know what?  I became a stranger to myself.  A part of me knew what I was doing and felt bad about it, but another part of me didn’t care, I needed to share my pain.  What was wrong with me?  I was not like this when I was a teenager! The funny thing was; this wasn’t making me happy either.  As a matter of fact, I started to feel terrible about doing to others what had happened to me. 

I had a longing to change things in my life, but I didn’t know how.  I needed something, but I didn’t know what.  And then that something found me.  That something turned out to be Someone.  Jesus came knocking on the door of my heart one day and left a message.  “Came to visit, just call Me when you’re ready, you know My number!” 

I didn’t know very much about Him.  I knew He was the Son of God and that He came to earth and was God and man, and that He walked the earth and told people about His Father.  I knew He raised Lazarus from the dead and that He suffered an awful death for me, somehow, and then rose into heaven. 

I knew that despite knowing so little, I loved Him.  Something in my heart would make me cry to Him when I was hurting.  Whether or not He answered me didn’t really matter, I grew up thinking that He was very busy with world affairs and not to bother Him with my problems.  I was so far away from the One they called my Savior.  I didn’t get it.  I was baptized as an infant, wasn’t that the ticket to heaven?  If I killed myself, wouldn’t I go there?

When I look back, it amazes me that I lived long enough to invite Jesus into my life.  I was under so many false doctrines and religious rules, that I didn’t even know the way to get to heaven isn’t by being baptized as an infant, but by asking Jesus into your heart!  That’s it!  Just say a small prayer!  Nothing could be simpler if that was what you truly desired.  And getting into heaven was just the beginning.  That guarantee was immediate.  But the rest of the blessing, the wonders that come while I am still here on earth--now that was an unexpected bonus!  And then I found out that there was a manual that told me how to come home after leaving under selfish and greedy conditions, and how I could be forgiven.  I didn’t know any of these things, but I wanted to know more. 

So much so that I started talking about it.  Several people told me about this one particular church in town that was filling all their needs.  They loved the Pastor and the staff, and you came out of there with wisdom and love and feeling invincible towards the devil.  They said it was ‘charismatic.’   I had to ask what that was.  They said that they sung really great songs and occasionally danced in the aisles if the anointing moved them to.  I didn’t have a clue what an anointing was.  It scared me a little. They didn’t have a format like I used to know, a few minutes of the gospel and a quick review and the rest was religious things.  They had something called Praise and Worship.  I wasn’t sure how to take that.

When we finally went, I was flabbergasted.  (To this day, 24 years later, the music still brings tears to my eyes.  I feel God’s love in me when I put my hands up and face the heavens with my eyes closed and feel the power of His almighty love all around me.)  There was this man teaching and preaching the Bible to me.  I didn’t even know how to read the Bible; it was so foreign to me.  It didn’t make sense.  But he did.  He touched something in my soul by the words that he spoke.  I do not remember the sermon this many years later, I only know that spiritually it brought me to my knees.  I was shocked and elated at what he spoke.  Jesus was more than I ever knew.

The Pastor did an ‘alter call’ at the end, anyone who wanted Jesus in their life to raise their hand.  I couldn’t do that, someone would see me!  I didn’t even know what it all meant, really.  But I was very curious. 

To be continued…..

©dft

I'm Lost - Part One

            Here I sit on the living room chair (wish I had another one) thinking about last night.  He is in bed, hopefully falling asleep, as he’s been hung over and feeling like hell all day.  I guess the reason I’m writing this stuff down is not only to never forget it, but there really isn’t anybody to talk to about it.  May as well start at the beginning.  Yesterday was crazy.  It was the last day of the first month I’ve been here, it was Halloween, and he and his friend were supposed to go to Jackson, Mississippi and then on Tennessee, being his friend is retiring soon and wants to have some idea of future security - home, and possible employment.  Anyway, as things turned out, their trip was postponed because of trouble with his friend’s car - didn’t look like it would make the trip.  Actually, even tho it’s not a very decent thing to say or feel, I was thrilled.  See, just last week he was out in the field and now he’d be gone again.  I enjoy his company tremendously, although I know and understand there will be plenty of times we will be separated.  But, things being as they have this last year (me-alone), I made up my mind to accept this sort of thing, and never fully depend on anyone again to always be around.  That had been a severe and detrimental mistake in my married life.  Even though I wasn’t torn to pieces over his impending trip, I was awfully glad he wound up staying home.

            Later on last night we were invited up to his friend’s for champagne.  We accepted, and as is the case so very often, wound up getting inebriated.  I offered to drive home, summoning up enough courage in my delirious state, and did okay if I do say so myself, except that I nearly drove right on by the house!  Typical drunk!  (Reader note:  not to defend my actions, the friend’s house was on the same street, about 10 houses up the road, and it was late, no one was on the street.  I had never driven this El Camino before. We do rather stupid things when we are lost.)

            Anyway, once inside we consumed a pot or more coffee, and then he went on to two beers. While both of our stomachs were drowning, he came out with a marriage proposal to me.  And then insane me went and accepted!!  I’m not sure why I did, I know I love him wholeheartedly and would do anything for him, but to say yes again, well, I never thought I would.   At least not in this lifetime. We exchanged words, of which neither of us can exactly recall, although I later found out that apparently I was cutting myself down, and then he did something totally unexpected and took it all back and swallowed his words!

            I was at that time and still am, pretty flabbergasted, and highly insulted.  My feelings are quite mixed.  I think it was a terribly cruel thing to do, and unnecessary.  It just should never have been brought up if the true feelings were momentarily spontaneous.  Marriage is a sharing of everything possible, not something to propose with unintentional motives.  It keeps bringing back all the times I told my ex not to go around screwing up anymore heads, to learn how to communicate and be honest.

            I feel very cheated.  I feel totally stupid for saying yes.  Actually, I’m so disgusted by it; any hurt was replaced with reality, that I couldn’t even cry.  Actually, it’s pretty funny.  I was taken for a ride again.  A short one, maybe, but nonetheless, I was the fool again last night.  I think I have some idea as to how my future will be -- full of mistrust and skepticism.  What man is really that sincere?  At this point, 18 hours later, I’m relieved.  I’ve opened my eyes again to all the ridiculous nonsense there is in life. 

            I don’t think I’d ever believe him again if it came up once more.  It’s his mistake; he’ll have to worry about it.  I guess I suffered enough to remember all the bitter feelings I’ve developed in my heart.  Maybe that’s why no man, not even him (especially now) will ever break me again.  I believe in love, and I believe in honor.  I just don’t believe that that’s all there is.  Belief is the whole thing in any relationship, and all my faith has been broken before.  I’m still here, only I’m more strong now, I’m okay, and I know I can still survive.  I have me, and I’ll take care of myself the way I should, the way no man, (deceitful creatures) ever could. 

            I feel better now that it’s out of my system and think I can finally rest enough to face another day, filled with..…?  God only knows!

            Lesson - another drunken stupor and another mistake!  Kill the bottle and the bottle will return the favor somehow, someway, someday!

(Saturday, 1 November 1980)

My goodness, my life was such a mess almost 31 years ago!   I was in search of the ever elusive ‘butterfly of love!’  I was sick and tired of all the hurt and pain I had gone through in the first 24 years of my life, and desperately wanted someone to rescue me.  There had to be someone, somewhere, that would let me be me.  Someone who loved me more than anything else in the entire world, that without me they would surely die.  Someone who would listen!  Just listen, let me cry my frustrations at a bad day into their shoulder and receive comfort and understanding.  I was so tired and desperate to be in control of my own life, yet needing someone else to place my burdens on. 

I felt like no matter how hard I tried for years after this time, that despite explaining exactly what he was supposed to do (yes, we married), he just didn’t get it.  Time after time he failed to grasp what his role in my life was to be - caretaker of my ego, of my esteem, and of my emotions.  He was supposed to know everything about me, I certainly told him enough!  Why couldn’t he get it?  What was wrong with him anyway, was he deaf or just not interested?  Why did he want to marry me if he wasn’t willing to protect me against those feelings of dread and doom that walked beside me like a twin?  How could he be so blind to not see into my heart and want more than anything to heal the pain instead of causing me constant hurt with his lack of understanding or concern?  Men!  All men were useless to me.  I was determined that I would have to take care of my own life, that I would from then on be in charge of all the things that impacted my life.  Even if I had to change the lives of those around me to do it.

©dft