Friday, September 30, 2011

I'm Lost - Part One

            Here I sit on the living room chair (wish I had another one) thinking about last night.  He is in bed, hopefully falling asleep, as he’s been hung over and feeling like hell all day.  I guess the reason I’m writing this stuff down is not only to never forget it, but there really isn’t anybody to talk to about it.  May as well start at the beginning.  Yesterday was crazy.  It was the last day of the first month I’ve been here, it was Halloween, and he and his friend were supposed to go to Jackson, Mississippi and then on Tennessee, being his friend is retiring soon and wants to have some idea of future security - home, and possible employment.  Anyway, as things turned out, their trip was postponed because of trouble with his friend’s car - didn’t look like it would make the trip.  Actually, even tho it’s not a very decent thing to say or feel, I was thrilled.  See, just last week he was out in the field and now he’d be gone again.  I enjoy his company tremendously, although I know and understand there will be plenty of times we will be separated.  But, things being as they have this last year (me-alone), I made up my mind to accept this sort of thing, and never fully depend on anyone again to always be around.  That had been a severe and detrimental mistake in my married life.  Even though I wasn’t torn to pieces over his impending trip, I was awfully glad he wound up staying home.

            Later on last night we were invited up to his friend’s for champagne.  We accepted, and as is the case so very often, wound up getting inebriated.  I offered to drive home, summoning up enough courage in my delirious state, and did okay if I do say so myself, except that I nearly drove right on by the house!  Typical drunk!  (Reader note:  not to defend my actions, the friend’s house was on the same street, about 10 houses up the road, and it was late, no one was on the street.  I had never driven this El Camino before. We do rather stupid things when we are lost.)

            Anyway, once inside we consumed a pot or more coffee, and then he went on to two beers. While both of our stomachs were drowning, he came out with a marriage proposal to me.  And then insane me went and accepted!!  I’m not sure why I did, I know I love him wholeheartedly and would do anything for him, but to say yes again, well, I never thought I would.   At least not in this lifetime. We exchanged words, of which neither of us can exactly recall, although I later found out that apparently I was cutting myself down, and then he did something totally unexpected and took it all back and swallowed his words!

            I was at that time and still am, pretty flabbergasted, and highly insulted.  My feelings are quite mixed.  I think it was a terribly cruel thing to do, and unnecessary.  It just should never have been brought up if the true feelings were momentarily spontaneous.  Marriage is a sharing of everything possible, not something to propose with unintentional motives.  It keeps bringing back all the times I told my ex not to go around screwing up anymore heads, to learn how to communicate and be honest.

            I feel very cheated.  I feel totally stupid for saying yes.  Actually, I’m so disgusted by it; any hurt was replaced with reality, that I couldn’t even cry.  Actually, it’s pretty funny.  I was taken for a ride again.  A short one, maybe, but nonetheless, I was the fool again last night.  I think I have some idea as to how my future will be -- full of mistrust and skepticism.  What man is really that sincere?  At this point, 18 hours later, I’m relieved.  I’ve opened my eyes again to all the ridiculous nonsense there is in life. 

            I don’t think I’d ever believe him again if it came up once more.  It’s his mistake; he’ll have to worry about it.  I guess I suffered enough to remember all the bitter feelings I’ve developed in my heart.  Maybe that’s why no man, not even him (especially now) will ever break me again.  I believe in love, and I believe in honor.  I just don’t believe that that’s all there is.  Belief is the whole thing in any relationship, and all my faith has been broken before.  I’m still here, only I’m more strong now, I’m okay, and I know I can still survive.  I have me, and I’ll take care of myself the way I should, the way no man, (deceitful creatures) ever could. 

            I feel better now that it’s out of my system and think I can finally rest enough to face another day, filled with..…?  God only knows!

            Lesson - another drunken stupor and another mistake!  Kill the bottle and the bottle will return the favor somehow, someway, someday!
(Saturday, 1 November 1980)

My goodness, my life was such a mess almost 31 years ago!   I was in search of the ever elusive ‘butterfly of love!’  I was sick and tired of all the hurt and pain I had gone through in the first 24 years of my life, and desperately wanted someone to rescue me.  There had to be someone, somewhere, that would let me be me.  Someone who loved me more than anything else in the entire world, that without me they would surely die.  Someone who would listen!  Just listen, let me cry my frustrations at a bad day into their shoulder and receive comfort and understanding.  I was so tired and desperate to be in control of my own life, yet needing someone else to place my burdens on. 

I felt like no matter how hard I tried for years after this time, that despite explaining exactly what he was supposed to do (yes, we married), he just didn’t get it.  Time after time he failed to grasp what his role in my life was to be - caretaker of my ego, of my esteem, and of my emotions.  He was supposed to know everything about me, I certainly told him enough!  Why couldn’t he get it?  What was wrong with him anyway, was he deaf or just not interested?  Why did he want to marry me if he wasn’t willing to protect me against those feelings of dread and doom that walked beside me like a twin?  How could he be so blind to not see into my heart and want more than anything to heal the pain instead of causing me constant hurt with his lack of understanding or concern?  Men!  All men were useless to me.  I was determined that I would have to take care of my own life, that I would from then on be in charge of all the things that impacted my life.  Even if I had to change the lives of those around me to do it.


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